Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Week 1: Miami Dolphins

        It has arrived.  After a long off-season, the start of the NFL season is only 4 days away.  This off-season the Bills were virtually ignored and the press they did receive was shockingly negative.  I went to bed night after night asking myself, "Why do they hate us? Why must the national media continue to either ignore or insult our team... our region? Do they not know all the positive attributes Bills fans possess?" We are aggressive, but not reckless, drivers.  We aren't prude, but not whorish either.  We are sarcastic, but not derisive.  We love, but we do not obsess.  Obviously, something else was afoot-- these writers must be part of a vast media conspiracy whose only goal is to stomp out the flame of hope imbedded in every Bills fan/Western/Central New Yorker's soul.   Below we detail the biggest media players involved in this conspiracy and expose their personal vendettas against our fair region:

        1.) Don "Hey ladies do me a favor and see how this burka fits" Banks

         Whoa there, Donny Banks, you are so transparent.  Clearly you are still terribly vexed that Susan B. Anthony lived in Rochester NY and campaigned for the women’s right to vote out of Seneca Falls.  It’s not the Bills/Western New York’s fault you are a raging sexist.
        2.) John "More like 15 miles on the Erie banal... ahahahahahaahaha" Clayton

        Oh my God, John Clayton, you are f-ing hilarious.  Does Joey Gladstone know you stole his "sucking at comedy" routine?  You obviously are still angry over your ancestor’s “Wagon Train Trade” business going bankrupt after the Erie Canal opened.  It’s not the Bills fault you hate progress and AMERICA!

        3.) Dan "how do you talk to an Angel? I wouldn't know I didn't get in" Wolf

        Jeeze Louise, Dan Wolf, hold a grudge much?  For the final time, the city of Buffalo apologizes for Valerie Malone’s actions on Beverly Hills 90210.  We are sorry she said you could cover the 1995 “Peach Pit After Dark’s Battle of the Bands” and then got high in Brenda’s bedroom and forgot your backstage pass.  Seriously, move on-- how can you still be this upset about not being let into a venue whose main source of entertainment was getting David Silver yipped up on Crystal Meth and allowing him to rap on stage?

       Well Don, John and Dan-- you have failed.  We are still full of as much unfounded hope as ever.

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