The Greatest Gift of All
(Bills Backers of Fenway Tailgate Information below)
Maybe it is the holiday season or the fact that we have not beaten the Patriots since I was a junior in college, but this past week I have not experienced any of the New England hostility that usually proceeds Bills/Patriots games. Instead, that hostility has been replaced with the deepest of insults: pity and indifference. Conversations with my co-workers used to be combative:
Coworker: "Hows that Aaron Maybin pick working out?"
Me: "How is that $150 average ticket price working out, you pink hat, yuppie douchebag, motherf_cker!?!?!"
...fun banter like that...
This week, however, discussing the game has felt more like an exchange about stock options between a homeless man and Bernie Madoff (pre-prison).
Homeless Bills Fan: "So how do you think the recent high, but relatively stable, rate of unemployment will affect the dividend rates of blue chips in 2011?"
New England Bernie Madoff: "You likey stocks? Awww, that is soo great to hear. I really like your shirt, what is that unique color- dirt mixed with feces? It looks really good on you. Here is a whole 5 dollars. Oops, I almost gave you a 500 Euro bill- I must have forgotten to exchange it after my dinner in Monte Carlo last night. That is in Europe- I just got back, I am soo tired. You know what? Here is $20 American. Merry Christmas- I mean, Happy Holidays, hahaha."
To quote a friend's timeless drunken words: "I am not your charity case!" Do you hear that New England? I do not care if you are impressed by how hard the Bills have been playing. Stop acting like you are the only people who watch Sportscenter. Do you think we missed the 15-second segment on how Ryan Fitzpatrick has emerged as a leader in the 2nd half of the season? Of course we watched it - recorded it - replayed it - rewrote it - transcribed it on golden tablets - buried those tablets - dug them up - and then used those tablets to start a new religion.
We do not want your pity. We do not want your half-hearted compliments. We do not want to hear your wacky memories about how in the 90s the Patriots always lost to the Bills. All we want is a victory! All we want is to be able to walk into our offices next week and pour Erie Canal water on all of your keyboards and leave a message that says: "You've just been BILLS'ED." All we want is the chance to gloat, threaten, browbeat, mock, or stab our coworkers and NE friends. That chance would be the greatest gift of all...
You will enjoy this song, it is good and I like it: http://www.weck1230.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/FitzMagic2.mp3
Bills vs Patriots - Bills Backers of Fenway Tailgate Information